"Where Did We Go Wrong?" from "The Addams Family"

MORTICIA
She's perky.

GOMEZ
She's bubbly.

MORTICIA
She's optimistic.

GOMEZ
Where did we go wrong?

MORTICIA
We taught her to hunt

GOMEZ
We taught her to aim

MORTICIA
We gave her a bow

GOMEZ
We gave her no shame

MORTICIA
We gave what we had

GOMEZ
Made sure she was bad

BOTH
Did all that we could to keep her sad.

GOMEZ
We told her to stay away from modern jazz

MORTICIA
We gave her that week-long trip to Alcatraz

GOMEZ
we promised she'd be equipped

BOTH
And filled her crypt with woe
What did we know?

GOMEZ
We took her to funerals in the morning mist

MORTICIA
We took her to slaughterhouses

GOMEZ
Schindler's List

MORTICIA
We taught her to scowl and sneer
And domineer

GOMEZ
On cue

BOTH
What did we do?
Where did we go wrong?

GOMEZ
Are we good parents?

BOTH
Where did we go wrong?

MORTICIA
Are we cliché?

BOTH
Somewhere in between
Guilt and guillotine
We forgot to notice that our daughter lost her way
Where did we go wrong?

MORTICIA
And can we fix this?

GOMEZ
Maybe it's a passing phase

BOTH
But if she's going wrong
Then what will change her ways?

GOMEZ
That's it! We cancel the dinner. Bolt the doors!

MORTICIA
We'll circle the wagons!

GOMEZ
And give these "goody-licious" Beinekes the boot!

MORTICIA
We must intervene

GOMEZ
We shouldn't delay

MORTICIA
She's barely eighteen

GOMEZ
So what do we say?

MORTICIA
We know the occult

GOMEZ
That's certainly true.

MORTICIA
We're here to consult

GOMEZ
Morticia, with you

MORTICIA
So why all the fuss?

GOMEZ
My darling, discuss

MORTICIA
She needs only us

GOMEZ
It's us, only us

MORTICIA
We've always been there for her
To swear for her

GOMEZ
Discourage dental care for her

BOTH
Do well for her
Excel for her
Make home a living hell for her
So where did we go wrong
Is not the question
Resolute and strong
Is our next move

GOMEZ
We'll tell her today

MORTICIA
Do what we say

BOTH
Send all the Beinekes back to the fray
Turn them away at first sight
And that's where we'll go right!
No dinner tonight!

"Pulled" from "The Addams Family"

WEDNESDAY
I don't have a sunny disposition
I'm not known for being too amused
My demeanor's locked in one position
See my face?
I'm enthused
Suddenly, however, I've been puzzled
Bunny rabbits make me want to cry
All my inhibitions have been muzzled
And I think I know why-
I'm being pulled in a new direction
But I think I like it
I think I like it
I'm being pulled in a new direction
Through my painful pursuit
Somehow birdies took root
All the things I detested
Impossibly cute
God! What do I do??
Mother always said, "be kind to strangers"
But she doesn't know what they destroy
I can feel the clear and present dangers
When she learns that the boy...
Has got me pulled in a new direction
PUGSLEY
Aaaaaah!
WEDNESDAY
But I think I like it
PUGSLEY
That was good, that was good!
WEDNESDAY
I think I like it
PUGSLEY
Do it again, do it again!
WEDNESDAY
I'm being pulled in a new direction
PUGSLEY
Aaaaaah!
WEDNESDAY
And this feeling I know
Is impossible, so I'll confide that I've tried
But I can't let it go
Its disgustingly true
Pulled-
PUGSLEY
Aah!
WEDNESDAY
Pulled-
PUGSLEY
Aah!
WEDNESDAY
Pulled-
PUGSLEY
Aaaaaah!
WEDNESDAY
Puppy dogs with droopy faces
Unicorns with dancing mice
Sunrise in wide open spaces
Disney World? I'll go there twice!
Butterflies at picnic lunches
Bunches of chrsanthemums
Lollipops and pillow fights
And Christmas Eve? Sugarplums!
String quartets and Chia pets
And afternoon banana splits
Angels watching as I sleep
And Liberace's greatest hits
Have got me pulled in a new direction
If they keep insisting
I'll stop resisting
Just watch me pulled in a new direction
I should stay in the dark
Not obey every spark
But the boy has a bite
Better far than his bark
And you bet I'll bite, too
Do what's truly taboo
As I'm pulled in a new direction!

"When You're an Addams" from "The Addams Family"

ANCESTRAL VOICES
Ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah
Ah! Ah!
GOMEZ
Ah, the intoxicating spell of the graveyard. Once a year when the last leaf of autumn falls, we gather to honor the great cycle of life, and death. Come, every member of our clan - living, dead - and indecided and let us celebrate what it is to be an Addams.
When you're an Addams
You need to have a little moonlight
When you're an Addams
You need to feel a little chill
You have to see the world in shades of gray
You have to put some poison in your day
MORTICIA
(Spoken, in rhythm)
That's the way.
MORTICIA, GOMEZ
When you're an Addams
GOMEZ
You need to have a sense of humor
(Tickles MORTICIA and SHE giggles)
GOMEZ, MORTICIA
When you're an Addams
MORTICIA
You need to have a taste for death
MORTICIA, GOMEZ
Who cares about the world outside
And what it wants from you
When you're an Addams
You do what Addams' always do!
ADDAMS FAMILY
When you're an Addams
GOMEZ
You gotta have a lotta passion
ADDAMS FAMILY
When you're an Addams
MORTICIA
You need to really love your wife
GOMEZ
(Spoken)
Several times a day.
ADDAMS FAMILY
You're happy when your toes are in the mud
FESTER, GRANDMA
You smile a bit the moment you smell blood
Aa-oooh!
ADDAMS FAMILY
When you're an Addams
WEDNESDAY
You need to grab a bow and arrow
ADDAMS FAMILY
When you're an Addams
PUGSLEY
You need a moment to explode
GRANDMA
Just pour a potion
FESTER
Flip the switch
FESTER, GRANDMA, WEDNESDAY, PUGSLEY
And wait 'til things get hot
ADDAMS FAMILY
When you're an Addams
You have to really stir the pot
FESTER
So keep your sunshine
And keep your glee
GOMEZ
Country music and tennessee
WEDNESDAY
Keep your laughter
GRANDMA
And MTV
ADDAMS FAMILY
And all will be all right
Give us shadows and give us gloom
Broken glass in a motel room
Something fun we can all exhume
And give it all tonight!
GOMEZ
(Spoken)
And on this special night, beneath our Family Tree, we summon our beloved Ancestors.
ANCESTORS
Once born asunder
Down six feet under
We get to gather here
MALE ANCESTOR ONE
Dead for forever
MALE ANCESTOR TWO
Bled from whatever
MALE ANCESTORS ONE, TWO
Called now to reappear
MALE ANCESTOR THREE, FEMALE ANCESTOR ONE
Every cadaver
Start the palaver
Once in an Addams year
ANCESTORS
Hold your decaying
Hear what we're saying
Time now to give a cheer!
GOMEZ
Line dance!
(They dance.)
Bunny hop!
Do the twist!
Rigor mortis!
ALL
When you're an Addams
MALE ANCESTORS
That's right!
When you're an Addams
ADDAMS FAMILY, FEMALE ANCESTORS
You have a very special duty
MALE ANCESTORS
Late night! Out with the Addams!
ADDAMS FAMILY, FEMALE ANCESTORS
When you're an Addams
MALE ANCESTORS
With one bite
ALL
You're obligated to the clan
It's family first and family last
And family by and by
When you're an Addams
The standard answers don't apply
When you're an Addams
You do what Addams do or--
LURCH
Ughhh.
ALL
Die!

"Crazier Than You" from "The Addams Family"

WEDNESDAY
Once I was hopeful
Thought we were one
Life, less than perfect
Finally begun
But, now I wonder
Are we undone?
I wanna treasure you
In death as well as life
I wanna cut you with my love
And with my knife
But can I live as your tormentor and your wife?
When I am crazier than you
I'm crazier than you
And nothing up 'til now has proved me wrong
I'm crazier than you
That's just the overview
So get on board or simply move along
LUCAS
I'm not impulsive
WEDNESDAY
And yet I truly love you
LUCAS
I'm not deranged
WEDNESDAY
I'd never ask that of you
LUCAS
But in this moment
I feel I'm changed
I wanna climb Mount Everest, go to Mozambique
I wanna be impulsive
Want to be unique
Can you believe I mean it when you hear me shriek?
I'm crazier than you
I'm crazier than you
And now I'll prove to you
Exactly how
I'm crazier than you
I'll do what you can do
From here on in
I give my solemn vow
WEDNESDAY
Pluck the arrow from its quiver
Hold it in your hand, be brave
LUCAS
Pierce the apple not the liver
Or we're dancing on my grave
WEDNESDAY
Place it in the bow and steady
LUCAS
Can't you shoot that thing already?!?
WEDNESDAY
I'm gonna demonstrate that fear is my ideal
LUCAS
Girl, believe me
Fear is your appeal
WEDNESDAY
'Cuz in the moment that you're frightened
Life is real
LUCAS
Then my life must be real real!
BOTH
And in a flash
When you/I release and seal the deal
I'm crazier than you
I'm crazier than you
And nothing hurts me
When I hear you say
I'm crazier than you
Psychotically into
And that is all I need to face the day
I'm crazier than you
I'm crazier than you
And live or die, I'll let you have control
I'm crazier than you
So say you love me, too
From here on in you're singing to my soul
My soul!