"You Won't Succeed On Broadway" from "Monty Python's Spamalot"

ARTHUR
Have you heard of this "Broadway?"

ROBIN
Yes sire . . . and we don't stand a chance there.

ARTHUR
Why not?

ROBIN
Because . . . Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people, people who can sing and dance, often at the same time! They are a different people, a multi-talented people, a people . . . who need people . . . and who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in . . . the world. I'm sorry, sire, but we don't stand a chance.

ARTHUR
But why?

ROBIN
Well . . . let me put it like this.

In any great adventure,
That you don't want to lose,
Victory depends upon
The people that you choose.
So listen, Arthur darling,
Closely to this news:
We won't succeed on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews.

You may have the finest sets,
Fill the stage with penthouse pets,
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes.
You may dance and you may sing,
But I'm sorry, Arthur king,
You'll hear no cheers, just lots and lots of boos.

ENSEMBLE
Boo.

ROBIN
You may have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore,
You may even have some animals from zoos.
Though you've holes and krauts instead,
You may have unleavened bread,
But I tell you, you are dead,
If you don't have any Jews.

They won't care if it's witty,
or everything looks pretty,
They'll simply say it's shitty and profuse.
Nobody will go, sir,
If it's not kosher then no show, sir,
Even Goyem won't be dim enough to choose!
Put on shows that make men stare,
With lots of girls in underwear,
You may even have the finest of reviews.

CRITIC
You're doing great!

ROBIN
The audience won't care, sir,
As long as you don't dare, sir,
To open up on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews.

You may have dramatic lighting,
Or lots of horrid fighting,
You may even have some white men sing the blues!
Your knights might be nice boys,
But sadly we're all goys,
And that noise that you call singing you must lose.

So, despite your pretty lights,
and naughty girls in nasty tights,
and the most impressive scenery you use...
You may have dancing mana-mano,
You may bring on a piano,
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews!

You may fill your plays with gays,
Have Nigerian girls in stays,

GIRLS
You may even have some schizas making stews!

ROBIN
You haven't got a clue,
If you don't have a Jew,
All of your investments you are going to lose!

There's a very small percentile,
Who enjoys a dancing gentile,
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news!
But never mind your swordplay,
You just won't succeed on Broadway,
You just won't succeed on Broadway,
If you don't have any Jews!

Arthur, can you hear me?

To get along on Broadway,
To sing a song on Broadway,
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose,
I tell you, Arthur king,
There is one essential thing...
There simply must be, simply must be Jews.

There simply must be,
Arthur trust me,
Simply must be Jews.