"Where Did We Go Wrong?" from "The Addams Family"

MORTICIA
She's perky.

GOMEZ
She's bubbly.

MORTICIA
She's optimistic.

GOMEZ
Where did we go wrong?

MORTICIA
We taught her to hunt

GOMEZ
We taught her to aim

MORTICIA
We gave her a bow

GOMEZ
We gave her no shame

MORTICIA
We gave what we had

GOMEZ
Made sure she was bad

BOTH
Did all that we could to keep her sad.

GOMEZ
We told her to stay away from modern jazz

MORTICIA
We gave her that week-long trip to Alcatraz

GOMEZ
we promised she'd be equipped

BOTH
And filled her crypt with woe
What did we know?

GOMEZ
We took her to funerals in the morning mist

MORTICIA
We took her to slaughterhouses

GOMEZ
Schindler's List

MORTICIA
We taught her to scowl and sneer
And domineer

GOMEZ
On cue

BOTH
What did we do?
Where did we go wrong?

GOMEZ
Are we good parents?

BOTH
Where did we go wrong?

MORTICIA
Are we cliché?

BOTH
Somewhere in between
Guilt and guillotine
We forgot to notice that our daughter lost her way
Where did we go wrong?

MORTICIA
And can we fix this?

GOMEZ
Maybe it's a passing phase

BOTH
But if she's going wrong
Then what will change her ways?

GOMEZ
That's it! We cancel the dinner. Bolt the doors!

MORTICIA
We'll circle the wagons!

GOMEZ
And give these "goody-licious" Beinekes the boot!

MORTICIA
We must intervene

GOMEZ
We shouldn't delay

MORTICIA
She's barely eighteen

GOMEZ
So what do we say?

MORTICIA
We know the occult

GOMEZ
That's certainly true.

MORTICIA
We're here to consult

GOMEZ
Morticia, with you

MORTICIA
So why all the fuss?

GOMEZ
My darling, discuss

MORTICIA
She needs only us

GOMEZ
It's us, only us

MORTICIA
We've always been there for her
To swear for her

GOMEZ
Discourage dental care for her

BOTH
Do well for her
Excel for her
Make home a living hell for her
So where did we go wrong
Is not the question
Resolute and strong
Is our next move

GOMEZ
We'll tell her today

MORTICIA
Do what we say

BOTH
Send all the Beinekes back to the fray
Turn them away at first sight
And that's where we'll go right!
No dinner tonight!