"The King of Broadway" from "The Producers"

MAX
I used to be the king, the king of old Broadway
The best of ev'rything was mine to have each day
I always had the biggest hits
The biggest bathrooms at the Ritz
My showgirls had the biggest tits!
I never was the pits in any way!

WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY
We believe you, thousands wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn't
We believe each word we've heard

MAX
I used to be the king...

WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY
The King?

MAX
The king of old Broadway...

BLIND VIOLINIST
It's good to be the king!

MAX
My praises they would sing
A Ziegfeld so they'd say
My shows were always filled with class
The best champagnes would fill my glass
My lap was filled with gorgeous ass
You couldn't call me crass in any way!

WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY, VIOLINIST, USHERETTES, NUNS, STREET CLEANER
We believe you, thousands wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn't
We believe each word we've heard

MAX
There was a time
When I was young and gay...
But straight
There was a time
When I was bold
There was a time
When each and ev'ry play I touched
Would turn to gold

CHORUS
There was a time
He wore the finest clothes
His shoes were always new
Ahh!

MAX
Now I wear a rented tux
That's two weeks overdue!

CHORUS
Poor Bialy, what a shmoozer
Poor Bialy, what a shame
Poor Bialy, what a loser
Poor Bialy, goodbye fame


MAX
Rented tux...
Overdue...
Way overdue

Such reviews! How dare they insult me in this manner?
How quickly they forget. I am Max Bialystock!
The first producer ever to do summer stock in the winter!

CHORUS
Once he was the king...

MAX
You've heard of Theatre in the Round?
You're looking at the man who invented Theatre in the Square!
Nobody had a good seat!

CHORUS
King of old Broadway

MAX
I've spent my entire life in the theater.
I was a protege of the great Boris Tomaschevski.
CHORUS
Ooh!

MAX
Yes. He taught me everything I know.
I'll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and said,
"Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"

NUN #1
What does that mean?

MAX
Who knows? I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he.
But in my heart I knew what he was saying.
He was saying, when you're down and out, and everybody thinks you're finished,
that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,
"Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town?!"

CHORUS
Yay!

MAX
I used to be the king
The king of old Broadway
Again I will be king
And be on top to stay


CHORUS
Used to be the king
King of old Broadway

On top to stay, hey!

MAX
There'll be gala opening nights again
You'll see my name in lights again
I'll go from dark to brights again
My spirits high as kites again
I'll never suffer slights again
I'll taste those sweet delights again
No plethora of plights again
No blossoming of blights again
No frantic fits or frights again
Fame is in my sights again
I'll take those fancy flights again
I'm gonna scare the heights again
Bialystock will never drop
Bialystock will never stop...
Bialystock will be on top again

CHORUS
Fame is in his sights again
He'll take those fancy flights again
He's gonna scale the heights again

MAX
I'll be on top again, hey!

CHORUS
He'll be on top again, hey!

"We Can Do It" from "The Producers"

MAX
Don't you see, Bloom. Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom. It's so simple. Step One: we find the worst play ever written. Step Two: we hire the worst directer in town. Step Three: I raise two million dollars . . .
LEO
Two?
MAX
Yes! One for me, one for you. There's a lot of little old ladies out there. Step Four: We hire the worst actors in New York and open on Broadway. And before you can say Step Five, we close on Broadway, take our two million and go to Rio.
LEO
Rio? Nah, that'd never work.
MAX
Oh ye of little faith.
What did Lewis say to Clark
When everything looked bleak?
What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
As they struggled toward Everest's peak?
What did Washington say to his troops
As they crossed the Delaware,
I'm sure you're well aware . . .
LEO
What'd they say?
MAX
We can do it, we can do it,
We can do it, me and you.
We can do it, we can do it,
We can make our dreams come true.
Everything you've ever wanted
Is just waiting to be had.
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls,
Caressing you, undressing you,
And driving you mad.
We can do it, we can do it,
This is not the time to shirk.
We can do it, you won't rue it,
Say goodbye to petty clerk.
Hi, producer; yes, producer,
I mean you, sir, go berserk!
We can do it, we can do it,
And I know its gonna work!
Whatta ya say, Bloom?
LEO
What do I say,
Finally a chance to be a producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say, what do I say,
Here's what I say to you, sir . . .
I can't do it, I can't do it,
I can't do it, that's not me.
I'm a loser, I'm a coward,
I'm a chicken, don't you see?
When it comes to wooing women,
There's a few things that I lack.
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls,
Chasing me, embracing me,
I'd have an attack.
MAX
Why, you miserable, cowardly, wetched little caterpillar! Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?
MAX (1)
We can do it,
We can do it . . .
We can grab that holy grail!
LEO (1)
Mr. Bialystock,
Please stop the song,
You got me wrong,
I'll say "so long,"
I'm not as strong
A person as you think
MAX (2)
We can do it,
We can do it . . .
Drink champagne
Not ginger ale!
LEO (2)
Mr. Bialystock,
Just take a look,
I'm not a crook,
I'm just a shnook,
The bottom line
Is that I stink!
MAX (3)
Come on, Leo,
Can't you see-o . . .
LEO (3)
I . . . Can't . . . Do . . . It!
LEO
You see Rio I see jail!
MAX
We can do it!
LEO
I can't do it!
MAX
We can do it!
LEO
I cannot, cannot, cannot,
Cannot do it,
'Cause I know it's gonna . . .
Fail.
MAX
We can do it!
MAX (4)
I know it cannot fail.
LEO (4)
It's gonna fail.